All Will Be Well
That last post was kind of dark, right guys? I've been through stuff, like we all have. When I have a day like I did yesterday, and the week before that, and the days and weeks that pepper my life since I was young, it is often hard to peek out from under the darkness.
Then, I had a really great session with my therapist that helped me see things differently. Yes, I go to therapy and have done off and on for years. I closed my eyes and was guided through picturing myself in a space in the world of my own making (based on a real place I've been a few times). Here is what I saw.
Imagine, a scenic overlook near the top of a desert mountain range. It's night, and though you are surrounded on most sides by tall pines and scrub brush, the horizon is far and vast. You can see stars that you never knew were there. However, you're stuck--there is a huge boulder crushing you, keeping you from moving. It's painful, it's heavy and all you want is to go sit somewhere and enjoy the beauty. Well, that boulder has GOT to go. How? With what leverage? You stop, take a deep breath, pulling the crisp and warm desert air into your lungs. After a few moments, you realize that the boulder is in fact not crushing you... you're refusing to let go of that boulder.
At the risk of sounding to "woo-woo" about the image that came to my mind, let me try and describe to you what it meant. I see opportunity for vast beauty, love and comfort and it is not far away. In fact, its already around me. However, I'm clinging to this huge painful object that is preventing me from enjoying the possibilities. It's up to me to let go of it and move on to something more peaceful.
What is the boulder? The boulder for me is a lot of things wrapped into one. It's my past, my pain, unwillingness to unlearn harmful things I've been taught since a very young boy. It's misunderstanding what truly matters, and clinging to tradition and expectations of others.
More specifically, one chunk of my boulder consists of holding on to the pain of a very sad story about my parents and siblings. Another chunk consists of being raised in a religion that ingrained within me the idea that if you're not constantly trying to be perfect, you're worthless. A big chunk is allowing my life to be dictated by the perceived expectations of others, even if they're not really real. Another piece that I cling to is my notion of what I believe.
This is when my therapist showed me that perhaps I don't need the boulder, because the scene I was in, trying to enjoy, was prevented by this rock--and that the scene itself and what I carry within me is what I need. I don't need to hold onto the pain of a family destroyed, a faith lost, or time spent on the wishes of others. I can kick that boulder down the hill and enjoy the view. The view contains all I need, and all I believe. The night sky, the beautiful trees and sweet air are love, kindness and being at peace with yourself. What else do you need?
I'd like to end this post by quoting a musician that I've grown to really appreciate. The Gabe Dixon Band's, song entitled "All Will Be Well".
All the children walking home past the factories
Could see the light that's shining in my window as I write this song to you
All the cars running fast along the interstate
Can feel the love that radiates
Illuminating what I know is true
All will be well
Even after all the promises you've broken to yourself
All will be well
You can ask me how but only time will tell